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Archive for the ‘Feelings and Moods’ Category

Perhaps it’s due to my friend’s constant longing for christmas.

Many times, when i close my eyes n hope to drift off to dreamland, i  begin to revel in the wonders of christmas & holidays. sweet dreams of the christmas in olden day Victorian era that one reads in English classics in which the little boys n girls bake gingerbread men while their granny n grandpa sip hot chocolate by the fire side. grandma sits in her antique rocking chair telling christmas tales to her grandchildren late into the night by the cosy n warm fire place.

Ah well, that’s just a fantasy extended beyond the English classics that i used to read in sec sch. For now, i’ve to lock it away in the recesses of my mind n focus!

advent is coming soon n so is christmas. it’s time to decorate the christmas tree! though there won’t be a santa filling one’s stockings with presents for christmas morning.

i wanna live in a beautiful countryside with lush greenery, tumbling down the hills of fresh green grass, running freely across a vast expanse of the green field, the cool autumn breeze against my flushed cheeks.

a picture tells a thousand words, so can a song –

– an abundance of words weaved into a beautiful song like this:

 

YOU SET ME FREE

Sandi Patty

Artist of My Soul (1997)

 

There’ve been times in my life you’ve opened doors

They weren’t what I was hoping for

So I walked right by them

I didn’t even try them

 

There were dreams I forgot and dreams I let die

Unnoticed sunsets in front of my eyes

I just couldn’t see them

I thought I didn’t need them

 

Sure, there are things I’d do diff’rent

And yet, grace gives me days where I simply forget

 

Cause you set me free to run through fields of laughter

And to sing as though I have no yesterdays

You set me free from my befores and afters

From a debt I know I’ll never pay

When you set me free

 

There’ve been chances to love that I’ve ignored

Mercies I’ve found I couldn’t afford

I’m sure I would’ve shown them

If I would’ve known then

 

How we all play a part in each other’s lives

And there’s more to the gain than winning the prize

So much I wanna try now

I feel that I could fly now

 

Sure, there are things I’d do diff’rent

And yet, grace gives me days where I simply forget

 

Cause you set me free to run through fields of laughter

And to sing as though I have no yesterdays

You set me free from my befores and afters

From a debt I know I’ll never pay

 

Father, you father me ever so patiently

You give me wings to fly

When you set me free

 

To fly, to soar to places I’ve not been before

The bound’ries of humanity cannot contain

What you set free

 

Cause you set me free to run through fields of laughter

And to sing as though I have no yesterdays

You set me free from my befores and afters

From a debt I know I’ll never pay

 

Father, you father me ever so patiently

You give me wings to fly

You give me wings to fly…

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Hit a real, real bad LOW over the weekend. Still recovering from it but not going too well. Thankful for those who have helped me through it. I wanna snap out of it once and for all, but it seems impossible. Perhaps it would be the cross that i would have to carry for the rest of this earthly life. Thinking of such things in the light of eternity helps – like why care or bother so much about it when everything here is fleeting! it passes us by & over the years, the sharpness/ acuteness (correct word??) of the experience/s fade. So is it worth my energy and my time? Lately, the qn on whether certain things are worth my time and effort come surfacing in my mind. Personally, i face the world with fear. When i look back and see the path that i’ve trodden on & towards where i’m heading (which is to nowhere in particular), i shudder in fear at times.

Oh no, i’m feeling even more blue now than when i’d started.

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want to be happy but can’t
getting quite emo nowadays
either way, there’ll be some difficulty
so, i can’t decide what to do
‘cos i DUNNO WHAT TO DO!

okay, i admit i’m too impatient,
but that’s ‘cos the answer is required urgently!

the past few weeks have been enjoyable
esp the 2 weeks in foreign lands
return home, and reality sinks in

sometimes letting it go is a good release
but after a while, all the worries come back again…

maybe my faith has become too dependent on emotions…

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yesterday was quite an enjoyable day. and something happened in church that was quite miraculous. yea, it was a good day, unlike today.

Well…dunno where to begin, but it’s just not a happy day. the tragic news of the njc pe teacher who drowned at the dragonboat competition. life is so short. and death is so sudden. for all i know, i may die before christmas? I shudder at such a thought.

The second thing that bugged me is not turning up at a friend’s gathering. one side of me tells me i’m being selfish and anti-social but another side reminds me of the painful memories of how i tried in the past.

Third thing is the incessant grumbling and complaining and hysteria right here, on top of the loud drilling next door (starting from 8.30am). The internet conked out for the whole morning, disrupting what I had to do.

Moreover i didn’t get to exercise again. for the third consecutive day.

However, today is the first saturday that I didn’t need to go to the library to mug or have to worry abt my studies, so I really did get a good rest. Esp after yesterday’s bad headache that lasted abt 7 hours.  and my legs. haha. it was so good having a lazy afternoon nap 🙂

But still…it’s not a happy day.  Since my temperament is inclined towards unhappiness, i must put in the extra effort to twist nature the other way round. Blogging is therapeutic…feel better…slightly…

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I HATE ECONS! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE ECONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ECONS, I HATE YOU! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE YOU ECONS?!

NOT A SINGLE THING IS GETTING INTO MY HEAD OR HAS GOTTEN INTO MY HEAD. NO, NOT AT ALL. FREAK.

WHEN IS PRELIMS?! JUST NEXT WEEK!

WHAT’S TESTED? 4 ENTIRE SYLLABI!

AMOUNT OF TIME FOR INDEPENDENT REVISION: 1.5 WEEKS!!

ONCE AGAIN, I HATE HATE HATE ECONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I’m a rather depressing person. I’m also quite conflicting.

 There are certain aspects of my character that I’m trying so hard to change. I want to stop comparing so much with others because it’s wasting all my time and I can hardly concentrate on this long over-due gp essay on city life. urgh 😦 Moreover, it’s wrong to compare but do you know how much will power it takes to stop such thoughts which keep surfacing and re-surfacing again and again every five seconds? I hate this feeling of envy, or jealousy. I try to push it away but comes back, sometimes, even stronger than before.

 Friends are meant to be shared. Love is NOT jealous. Jealousy stems from selfishness which is sinful and which I’ll try very hard to root it out from the core of my being. Ah! I feel better now after writing out most of it! Ok, I shall carry on with my essay =x

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