Archive for September, 2007

Yes, this must be my rule to myself:

“No Productivity Plunges Allowed For the Next 30 Days”

I can’t afford it. But it just keeps happening. I must do something.

Put things out of my mind. Waste my time thinking of stupid, useless things.

When I don’t feel like studying and nothing gets in, I must pray
and recall my ‘O’ Level results. Fell once, can’t afford to fall again.

Oh boy, this is so sickening. I wish school would just stop like NOW. Because I just can’t focus on one subject, have to do homework 😦 if i ever become a teacher in future, I’ll allow my students to study at home, via “tradable permits” (quote my J1 econs teacher :)) haiz….30 days, 5 subjects, do the math, and it works out to an average of 6 days per subject 😥

Note to self:
1) Everything else (except God and prayer) must take second seat to A Levels now
2) Detach yourself from everything and everybody, go into seclusion to revise

MAKE UP FOR THE PAST ONE WEEK OF WASTED TIME! I’ll take it as a holiday or a rest period for this final leg.

Ah! that’s why I like writing things out (and blogging) it’s therapeutic and pumps the adrenaline through my veins! 🙂


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New (Confusing) Directions

It’s been quite a week. Friendship stuff again. I feel quite dumb and stupid at myself for not praying about it asap, (I actually forgot!) but wasting my time and energy on it. After praying for two days abt it, today in AMK lib i came across the book Friendship: The Key to Spiritual Growth by John W. Crossin good book 🙂 thank the Lord for answering my prayer 🙂 When I found out that it was written by a Catholic Religious (extremely rare to be found in a public lib), I was even more pleasantly surpirsed. The book does provide many insights 😉 But as of now, I can only browse through it. D-Day is just round the corner! Why am I still not feeling the heat?

Anyway, I was surfing jobscentral for jobs after As (yes, I’m very far-sighted :p) Decided to give tuition 🙂 it’s so much better than some stressful accountant assistant or admin job right? Not that I mind or can’t take the stress, but after As, I wanna relax, do things at my own pace and complete so, so many things that I’ve never really gotten a chance to do! Like learning a third lang, chilling out with friends 🙂 window shopping, savouring the books that i’ve to always, always put on hold! and so many more things! As such, the flexible working hours that tuition can give would be a very good thing! I would be able to even go on a mission trip (yes, I’m also thinking of doing that!) The only downside may be that giving tuition wouldn’t really be seen as a proper job perhaps…Well, i dunno…i don’t like being confused….I like to have this clear direction or path.

Searched for the NTU Catholic groups. Oops, let’s just say I was a little…surprised.. hehe… It seems like most of the members are foreigners…and I can’t tell much abt the other members and their weekly activities etc….but then I’ll certainly still join it lah…But then…. aiyo, this is so paiseh to say…hehe…Actually, I was kinda hoping to find that special someone there, and it’ll be good if he would be same nationality as me…hmmm…again too far-sighted, and the confused feeling comes up again…

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Today was Bio MCQ which I think I screwed up because of my stupid stomach. I was near the point of cursing >.< But I tried hard to control and prayed instead and things turned out much better. Thanks be to God!

After the paper, I went for my first and only FOCUS meeting with J, ZM, Jo, Jack, WT. The speaker was inspiring, though I detected some hints of pride in his sharing =x (But I’m proud too so my view doesn’t hold.) The talk led me realise how deep and serious the parable in Matthew 25 is about the gifts with which we are entrusted with as we are stewards of these gifts and must account to God at the end of our lives how much we have utilised it for His Glory.

The meeting ended with an interview by 3 J3s. Well, it brought out the excitement in me again 🙂 yep, i always get excited when I think about my future. 🙂 Like a child longs for the time when he can open his present and find out what’s inside it (‘cos he expects something nice & good), so I live in expectancy of what lies ahead (‘cos I want to see how God has written my life to be 🙂 and I know His Plans will be to prosper me c.f. Jeremiah)

Well, so upon reaching home, after settlign down, I came online to search for how I should respond to His calling, and live a life that matters. I came back to the same website that I visited the other time (its URL is in one of the entries) :
Many a time, I really wish I’d a Catholic friend whom I could share a beautiful biblical friendship with. I have been greatly blessed by my Protestant friends in college 🙂 A wonderful bunch of people who are God’s children too 🙂 and who’ve been quite instrumental in nurturing the initial stages of my faith. I suddenly thought in the car if God had some special purpose for this close interaction with Protestants—could it be because my future other half may be one of such? 😉
But as for now, I’ll just pull myself along and make new friends starting with the first appointment of service to God in an organisation.

 Let’s do a U-turn and come back to the first point (the one made in the talk). i learnt that I must excel in my work, do the best that I can even though the boss (in future) may not see it. simply because this work which we may find to be secular, is part of God’s plan/ our discipleship. I want to work on my strengths, use my gifts and multiply them. But if I’m uncertain about it….I mean, I know i’m good in math, but I’m not that great, just above average. Is that counted as a talent? How to define?? But anyway, I googled it and


Romans 12:4

The only thing I want to say here is this: In saying that we are individually members of one another, one of the amazing implications of that is that the best way to find out what your gift is is to be part of the body. Not to go away to the words, but be part of the body in faith. Find out by doing what you feel like doing. Spiritual gifts are basically—not only, but mainly—natural endowments supercharged with the Holy Spirit to effect change by grace. A spiritual gift transmits grace. First Peter 4:10: stewarding God’s manifold grace. Gifts steward grace. You just start doing what you want to do and grace starts flowing. People get helped. You get affirmation from others. Be who you are; people will see and they will carry you along. This is how you discover who you are. You don’t impose yourself. You don’t show up and say, “I’m here to….”

I’ve so many more things to say, I could go on for an hour or so, but I’m so sleepy that I’m falling asleep…zzzz….gtg then…

It was a good day. Praise the Lord for making this beautiful day. 🙂

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24-hour inactivity





The melancholic person is but feebly excited by whatever acts upon him. The reaction is weak, but this feeble impression remains for a long time and by subsequent similar impressions grows stronger and at last excites the mind so vehemently that it is difficult to eradicate it.

Such impression may be compared to a post, which by repeated strokes is driven deeper and deeper into the ground, so that at last it is hardly possible to pull it out again. This propensity of the melancholic needs special attention. It serves as a key to solve the many riddles in his behavior.II        FUNDAMENTAL DISPOSITION OF THE MELANCHOLIC

1. Inclination to reflection. The thinking of the melancholic easily turns into reflection. The thoughts of the melancholic are far reaching. He dwells with pleasure upon the past and is preoccupied by occurrences of the long ago; he is penetrating; is not satisfied with the superficial, searches for the cause and correlation of things; seeks the laws which affect human life, the principles according to which man should act. His thoughts are of a wide range; he looks ahead into the future; ascends to the eternal. The melancholic is of an extremely soft-hearted disposition. His very thoughts arouse his own sympathy and are accompanied by a mysterious longing. Often they stir him up profoundly, particularly religious reflections or plans which he cherishes; yet he hardly permits his fierce excitement to be noticed outwardly. The untrained melancholic is easily given to brooding and to day-dreaming.

2. Love of retirement. The melancholic does not feel at home among a crowd for any length of time; he loves silence and solitude. Being inclined to introspection he secludes himself from the crowds, forgets his environment, and makes poor use of his senses — eyes, ears, etc. In company he is often distracted, because he is absorbed by his own thoughts. By reason of his lack of observation and his dreaming the melancholic person has many a mishap in his daily life and at his work.

3. Serious conception of life. The melancholic looks at life always from the serious side. (Me: Yea, life isn’t a game, like what many people believe it to be so, saying that we should take things with a pinch of salt.) At the core of his heart there is always a certain sadness, ‘a weeping of the heart,’ not because the melancholic is sick or morbid, as many claim, but because he is permeated with a strong longing for an ultimate good (God) and eternity, and feels continually hampered by earthly and temporal affairs and impeded in his cravings. The melancholic is a stranger here below and feels homesick for God and eternity.

4. Inclination to passivity. The melancholic is a passive temperament. The person possessing such a temperament, therefore, has not the vivacious, quick, progressive, active propensity, of the choleric or sanguine, but is slow, pensive, reflective. It is difficult to move him to quick action, since he has a marked inclination to passivity and inactivity. This pensive propensity of the melancholic accounts for his fear of suffering and difficulties as well as for his dread of interior exertion and self-denial.III        PECULIARITIES OF THE MELANCHOLIC 

1. He is reserved. He finds it difficult to form new acquaintances and speaks little among strangers. He reveals his inmost thoughts reluctantly and only to those whom he trusts. He does not easily find the right word to express and describe his sentiments. He yearns often to express himself, because it affords him real relief, to confide the sad, depressing thoughts which burden his heart to a person who sympathizes with him. (Me: That’s the reason why I hope and pray for God to put someone in my life here on Earth, who will always, always me there for me for life and not get sick of hearing all these sad things. Many thoughts that I keep inside can get really burdening. Sometimes, I get tired of putting up a front everyday to be happy.) On the other hand, it requires great exertion on his part to manifest himself, and, when he does so, he goes about it so awkwardly that he does not feel satisfied and finds no rest. Such experiences tend to make the melancholic more reserved. A teacher of melancholic pupils, therefore, must he aware of these peculiarities and must take them into consideration; otherwise he will do a great deal of harm to his charges.

Confession is a great burden to the melancholic, while it is comparatively easy to the sanguine. The melancholic wants to manifest himself, but cannot; the choleric can express himself easily, but does not want to.

2. The melancholic is irresolute. On account of too many considerations and too much fear of difficulties and of the possibility that his plans or works may fail, the melancholic can hardly reach a decision. He is inclined to defer his decision. What he could do today he postpones for tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or even for the next week. Then he forgets about it and thus it happens that what he could have done in an hour takes weeks and months. He is never finished. For many a melancholic person it may take a long time to decide about his vocation to the religious life. The melancholic is a man of missed opportunities. While he sees that others have crossed the creek long ago, he still deliberates whether he too should and can jump over it. Because the melancholic discovers many ways by his reflection and has difficulties in deciding which one to take, he easily gives way to others, and does not stubbornly insist on his own opinion.

3. The melancholic is despondent and without courage. He is pusillanimous and timid if he is called upon to begin a new work, to execute a disagreeable task, to venture on a new undertaking. He has a strong will coupled with talent and power, but no courage. It has become proverbial therefore: “Throw the melancholic into the water and he will learn to swim.” If difficulties in his undertakings are encountered by the melancholic, even if they are only very insignificant, he feels discouraged and is tempted to give up the ship, instead of conquering the obstacle and repairing the ill success by increased effort.

4. The melancholic is slow and awkward.
a) He is slow in his thinking. He feels it necessary, first of all, to consider and reconsider everything until he can form a calm and safe judgment.

b) He is slow in his speech. If he is called upon to answer quickly or to speak without preparation, or if he fears that too much depends on his answer, he becomes restless and does not find the right word and consequently often makes a false and unsatisfactory reply. (Me: I’ve never failed to embarrass and humiliate myself on everyr occasion when I’d to do imprormptu speeches or even normal speeches. I totally detest that but because I’m living in this world, I’ve to force myself to go for Toastmasters. Sometimes I feel life would be so much easier if i was born with a diff personality type which doesn’t require me to make so many changes. Because each of these changes require so much effort that it intidimates me.) This slow thinking may be the reason why the melancholic often stutters, leaves his sentences incomplete, uses wrong phrases, or searches for the right expression. He is also slow, not lazy, at his work. He works carefully and reliably, but only if he has ample time and is not pressed. He himself naturally does not believe that he is a slow worker.

5. The pride of the melancholic has its very peculiar side. He does not seek honor or recognition; on the contrary, he is loathe to appear in public and to be praised. But he is very much afraid of disgrace and humiliation. (Me: I’m extremely self-conscious, which again is something that I’ve to change.) He often displays great reserve and thereby gives the impression of modesty and humility; in reality he retires only because he is afraid of being put to shame. He allows others to be preferred to him, even if they are less qualified and capable than himself for the particular work, position, or office, but at the same time he feels slighted because he is being ignored and his talents are not appreciated.

The melancholic person, if he really wishes to become perfect, must pay very close attention to these feelings of resentment and excessive sensitiveness in the face of even small humiliations. (Me: which again, needs to be changed. What a huge load of effort. I think before I may not even be able to accomplish all the numerous changes before I leave Earth.)

From what has been said so far, it is evident that it is difficult to deal with melancholic persons. Because of their peculiarities they are frequently misjudged and treated wrongly. The melancholic feels keenly and therefore retires and secludes himself. Also, the melancholic has few friends, because few understand him and because he takes few into his confidence. (Me: So this explains it. Ah, I’ve finally found what I was looking for since yesterday.)


1. The melancholic practices with ease and joy interior prayer. His serious view of life, his love of solitude, and his inclination to reflection are a great help to him in acquiring the interior life of prayer. He has, as it were, a natural inclination to piety. Meditating on the perishable things of this world he thinks of the eternal; sojourning on earth he is attracted to Heaven. Many saints were of a melancholic temperament. This temperament causes difficulties at prayer, since the melancholic person easily loses courage in trials and sufferings and consequently lacks confidence in God, in his prayers, and can be very much distracted by pusillanimous and sad thoughts.

2. In communication with God the melancholic finds a deep and indescribable peace.

He, better than anyone else, understands the words of St. Augustine: “Thee, O Lord, have created us for yourself, and our heart finds no rest, until it rests in Thee.” His heart, so capable of strong affections and lofty sentiments, finds perfect peace in communion with God. This peace of heart he also feels in his sufferings, if he only preserves his confidence in God and his love for the Crucified.
(Me: Jesus has given me hope for everyday. Truly, without my faith, I would still be living in those periods of darkness.)

3. The melancholic is often a great benefactor to his fellow men. He guides others to God, is a good counselor in difficulties, and a prudent, trustworthy, and well-meaning superior. He has great sympathy with his fellow men and a keen desire to help them. If the confidence in God supports the melancholic and encourages him to action, he is willing to make great sacrifices for his neighbor and is strong and unshakable in the battle for ideals. Schubert, in his Psychology, says of the melancholic nature: “It has been the prevailing mental disposition of the most sublime poets, artists, of the most profound thinkers, the greatest inventors, legislators, and especially of those spiritual giants who at their time made known to their nations the entrance to a higher and blissful world of the Divine, to which they themselves were carried by an insatiable longing.V        DARK SIDE OF THE MELANCHOLIC TEMPERAMENT

1. The melancholic by committing sin falls into the most terrible distress of mind, because in the depth of his heart he is, more than those of other temperaments, filled with a longing desire for God, with a keen perception of the malice and consequences of sin. The consciousness of being separated from God by mortal sin has a crushing effect upon him. If he falls into grievous sin, it is hard for him to rise again, because confession, in which he is bound to humiliate himself deeply, is so hard for him. He is also in great danger of falling back into sin; because by his continual brooding over the sins committed he causes new temptations to arise. When tempted he indulges in sentimental moods, thus increasing the danger and the strength of temptations. To remain in a state of sin or even occasionally to relapse into sin may cause him a profound and lasting sadness, and rob him gradually of confidence in God and in himself. He says to himself: “I have not the strength to rise again and God does not help me either by His grace, for He does not love me but wants to damn me.” This fatal condition can easily assume the proportion of despair. (Me: this explains the perpetual sinfulness in me. Always repeating the same sins. followed by guilt. vicious cycle.)

2. A melancholic person who has no confidence in God and love for the Cross falls into great despondency, inactivity, and even into despair.

If he has confidence in God and love for the Crucified, he is led to God and sanctified more quickly by suffering mishaps, calumniation, unfair treatment, etc. But if these two virtues are lacking, his condition is very dangerous and pitiable. If sufferings, although little in themselves, befall him, the melancholic person, who has no confidence in God and love for Christ, becomes downcast and depressed, ill-humored and sensitive. He does not speak, or he speaks very little, is peevish and disconsolate and keeps apart from his fellow men. Soon he loses courage to continue his work, and interest even in his professional occupation.

He feels that he has nothing but sorrow and grief. Finally this disposition may culminate in actual despondency and despair. (Me: extremely accurate. Whenever i stop praying or disconnect from God, I become “liveless”, very easiliy iritable (= peevish) and disconsolate)

3. The melancholic who gives way to sad moods, falls into many faults against charity and becomes a real burden to his fellow men. (Me: yea, sometimes I really think people dislike me because I’m so depressing always and thus an utter burden. Who likes such depressing people anyway?)

a) He easily loses confidence in his fellow men, (especially Superiors, Confessors), because of slight defects which he discovers in them, or on account of corrections in small matters.

b) He is vehemently exasperated and provoked by disorder or injustice. The cause of his exasperation is often justifiable, but rarely to the degree felt.

c) He can hardly forgive offences. The first offense he ignores quite easily. But renewed offenses penetrate deeply into the soul and can hardly be forgotten. Strong aversion easily takes root in his heart against persons from whom he has suffered, or in whom he finds this or that fault. This aversion becomes so strong that he can hardly see these persons without new excitement, that he does not want to speak to them and is exasperated by the very thought of them. Usually this aversion is abandoned only after the melancholic is separated from persons who incurred his displeasure and at times only after months or even years.

d) He is very suspicious. He rarely trusts people and is always afraid that others have a grudge against him. Thus he often and without cause entertains uncharitable and unjust suspicion about his neighbor, conjectures evil intentions, and fears dangers which do not exist at all.

e) He sees everything from the dark side. He is peevish, always draws attention to the serious side of affairs, complains regularly about the perversion of people, bad times, downfall of morals, etc. His motto is: things grow worse all along. Offenses, mishaps, obstacles he always considers much worse than they really are. The consequence is often excessive sadness, unfounded vexation about others, brooding for weeks and weeks on account of real or imaginary insults. Melancholic persons who give way to this disposition to look at everything through a dark glass, gradually become pessimists, that is, persons who always expect a bad result; hypochondriacs, that is, persons who complain continually of insignificant ailments and constantly fear grave sickness; misanthropes, that is, persons who suffer from fear and hatred of men.

f) He finds peculiar difficulties in correcting people. As said above he is vehemently excited at the slightest disorder or injustice and feels obliged to correct such disorders, but at the same time he has very little skill or courage in making corrections. He deliberates long on how to express the correction; but when he is about to make it, the words fail him, or he goes about it so carefully, so tenderly and reluctantly that it can hardly be called a correction.

If the melancholic tries to master his timidity, he easily falls into the opposite fault of shouting his correction excitedly, angrily, in unsuited or scolding words, so that again his reproach loses its effect. This difficulty is the besetting cross of melancholic superiors. They are unable to discuss things with others, therefore, they swallow their grief and permit many disorders to creep in, although their conscience recognizes the duty to interfere. Melancholic educators, too, often commit the fault of keeping silent too long about a fault of their charges and when at last they are forced to speak, they do it in such an unfortunate and harsh manner, that the pupils become discouraged and frightened by such admonitions, instead of being encouraged and directed.VI        METHOD OF SELF-TRAINING FOR THE MELANCHOLIC PERSON1. The melancholic must cultivate great confidence in God and love for suffering, for his spiritual and temporal welfare depend on these two virtues. Confidence in God and love of the Crucified are the two pillars on which he will rest so firmly, that he will not succumb to the most severe trials arising from his temperament. The misfortune of the melancholic consists in refusing to carry his cross; his salvation will be found in the voluntary and joyful bearing of that cross. Therefore, he should meditate often on the Providence of God, and the goodness of the Heavenly Father, who sends sufferings only for our spiritual welfare, and he must practice a fervent devotion to the Passion of Christ and His Sorrowful Mother Mary.

2. He should always, especially during attacks of melancholy, say to himself: ”It is not so bad as I imagine. I see things too darkly,” or “I am a pessimist.”

3. He must from the very beginning resist every feeling of aversion, diffidence, discouragement, or despondency, so that these evil impressions can take no root in the soul.

4. He must keep himself continually occupied, so that he finds no time for brooding. Persevering work will master all. (Me: that’s what i’m trying to do now actually..)

5. He is bound to cultivate the good side of his temperament and especially his inclination to interior life and his sympathy for suffering fellow men. He must struggle continually against his weaknesses.

6. St. Theresa devotes an entire chapter to the treatment of malicious melancholics. She writes: “Upon close observation you will notice that melancholic persons are especially inclined to have their own way, to say everything that comes into their mind, to watch for the faults of others in order to hide their own and to find peace in that which is according to their own liking.” St. Theresa, in this chapter touches upon two points to which the melancholic person must pay special attention. He frequently is much excited, full of disgust and bitterness, because he occupies himself too much with the faults of others, and again because he would like to have everything according to his own will and notion.

He can get into bad humor and discouragement on account of the most insignificant things. If he feels very downcast he should ask himself whether he concerned himself too much about the faults of others. Let other people have their own way! Or whether perhaps things do not go according to his own will. Let him learn the truth of the words of the Imitation (I, 22), “Who is there that has all things according to his will? Neither I nor you, nor any man on earth. There is no man in the world without some trouble or affliction be he king or pope. Who then is the best off? Truly he that is able to suffer something for the love of God.”VII        IMPORTANT POINTS IN THE TRAINING OF THE MELANCHOLICIn the treatment of the melancholic special attention must be given to the following points:

1. It is necessary to have a sympathetic understanding of the melancholic. In his entire deportment he presents many riddles to those who do not understand the peculiarities of the melancholic temperament. It is necessary, therefore, to study it and at the same time to find out how this temperament manifests itself in each individual. Without this knowledge great mistakes cannot be avoided.

2. It is necessary to gain the confidence of the melancholic person. This is not at all easy and can be done only by giving him a good example in everything and by manifesting an unselfish and sincere love for him. Like an unfolding bud opens to the sun, so the heart of the melancholic person opens to the sunshine of kindness and love.

3. One must always encourage him. Rude reproach, harsh treatment, hardness of heart cast him down and paralyze his efforts. Friendly advice and patience with his slow actions give him courage and vigor. He will show himself very grateful for such kindness.

4. It is well to keep him always busy, but do not overburden him with work.

5. Because melancholics take everything to heart and are very sensitive, they are in great danger of weakening their nerves. It is necessary, therefore, to watch nervous troubles of those entrusted to one’s care. Melancholics who suffer a nervous breakdown are in a very bad state and cannot recover very easily.

6. In the training of a melancholic child, special care must be taken to be always kind and friendly, to encourage and keep him busy. The child, moreover, must be taught always to pronounce words properly, to use his five senses, and to cultivate piety. Special care must be observed in the punishment of the melancholic child, otherwise obstinacy and excessive reserve may result. Necessary punishment must be given with precaution and great kindness and the slightest appearance of injustice must be carefully avoided.


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good start; bad ending…

The day started on the right note. I tumbled out of bed at 6.15am, 15min earlier than my time-table was supposed to start. Of course I was happy! The previous two days, I set alarm on my hp and still couldn’t get up! And today, I didn’t even need an alarm and I woke up! Haha, some more I wasn’t giddy, more like clear-headed. QT early in the morning of a rainy, cooling day is good =) The message that came back to me more than once was to be optimistic, not to let negative thoughts crowd your head. Very suitable indeed. It’s like I can really sense the Lord’s Presence (almost) daily, like He’s beckoning me to have some quiet time with Him.

Actually, there’ve been so many thoughts I always wanted to record here because I’m someone who “thinks too much”. Haha, yea, so of course there’re so, so many things that go through my mind and are worth recording so that I can read through them 🙂 I love reading through old stuff. For instance, someone asked me before something like, having a private/undisclosed blog wouldn’t be that good ‘cos no one will read it right? Well, my other blog at blogspot definitely has a very dismal readership due to its downright “boring” content. (But, I won’t resort to writing scandalous stuff :P) The thing others may not realise is that I keep a blog (just like I keep a diary book) for myself to go through it, not so much for others. It’s fun reading back your entries and recalling all the old memories that would have since faded…

Well, my head is again giving me that light-headed feeling. Sometimes I wonder is it partly because of my health that I’m more irritable (and hence, a bad testimony). Like how I’m so frustrated now because of my head, and other times, due to my stomach…

So many things to be written here ahve to be gone unwritten because I like some things to be kept in the heart. 🙂

Prelims is ever so near, yet I’m ever so unprepared. :/

I hate the feelings of jealousy, envy and pride all meshed in my heart. 😥
It’s difficult to stay positive everyday ‘cos I’m currently facing some vices or rotten habits that I really long to change.

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